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Clear your conscience, clean out your coffin... [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Amanda

[ website | shot.gun.romance ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

(no subject) [Jan. 15th, 2004|02:14 pm]
Amanda
[Current Mood |lethargiclethargic]
[Current Music |aphex twin - milkman]

!~$%^**&#!!!

Alright, alright.

I was so sick this morning. I threw up twice.

Just so you all know, I was actually able to eat again up until this morning. I tried eating during lunch today and threw up. So fuck this!

I woke up at 6:30 but still managed to be an hour late to class.

I don't know,man. I need to get the fuck out of here and away from all these people.

 

 

 

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(no subject) [Jan. 15th, 2004|02:01 am]
Amanda
Vegan burgers at 2am are fucking jones.
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(no subject) [Jan. 13th, 2004|08:22 pm]
Amanda
I have a headache,
an empty stomach
and a cold cup of tea.

but at least I have my spleen.
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oh dear... [Jan. 12th, 2004|09:15 pm]
Amanda
[Current Mood |amusedamused]

***Ryen: and chillax
but im a robot: chillax?
but im a robot: haha

but im a robot: what are you up to?
***** goodf3llow: nothing.
***** goodf3llow: just chillaxing
but im a robot: haha. omg...
but im a robot: you and my friend ryen are so the same.
***** goodf3llow: OMG WHAT?!

They dont know eachother,
but they're so alike it fucking scares me.
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(no subject) [Jan. 11th, 2004|07:09 pm]
Amanda
lately i've been wishing i had one desire
something that would make me never want another
something that would make it so that nothing matters
all would be clear then
but i guess i'll have to settle for a for a few brief moments
and watch it all dissolve into a single second
and try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line
because that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept
you are here and then you're gone
but i believe that lovers should be tied together and
thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
and left there to drown
left there to drown
in their innocence
but as for me i'm coming to the final chapter
i read all of the pages and there is still no answer
only all that was before i know must soon come after
that is the only way it can be
so i stand in the sun
and i breathe with my lungs
trying to spare myself the weight of the truth
saying everything you have ever seen was just a mirror
and you've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
and now you are laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
wishing you were a ghost
but once you knew a girl and you named her lover
and danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
but autumn came, she disappeared
you can't remember where she said she was going to
but you know that she is gone because she left you a song
that you don't want to sing
we're singing i believe that lovers should be chained together
and thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
and left there to burn in their arrogance
but as for me i'm coming to my final failure
i've killed myself with changes trying to make it better
but i still ended up becoming something other than what i had planned to be
now i believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
and layed entwined together on a bed of clover
and left there to sleep
left there to dream of their happiness
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In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth... [Jan. 9th, 2004|07:07 pm]
Amanda
O-M-F-G...the new Coheed and Cambria cd makes me want to piss myself into a warm-wet dream.

It's amazing.
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in this black and white photograph... [Jan. 9th, 2004|04:54 pm]
Amanda
[Current Mood |listlesslistless]
[Current Music |the crowing - coheed and cambria]

It occurred to me that when I'm lonely I get exceedingly depressed -- I'm amazingly cheerful and energetic when I'm around people I can converse with...

but I'm usually alone -- that's where the problem resides.

Everything is black and white to me; there are no emotions inbetween these two feelings.
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hmm... [Jan. 8th, 2004|02:00 am]
Amanda
[Current Mood |hungryhungry]

I want boba and brugers bagels.
Why aren't there any 24/7 brugers bagels?
Why does the kitchen have to be downstairs?
Screw this.

/gnaws on pug
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(no subject) [Jan. 7th, 2004|01:02 pm]
Amanda
there are only two people
you have to be honest with:
your lawyer,
& your mother fucking doctor.

I hate doctors.
opinion #2.
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Neverending story... [Jan. 4th, 2004|12:48 pm]
Amanda
[Current Music |Belle And Sebastian - Winter Wooskie, CoCa - neverender]

In the past three days I've had two donut, three save-the-chicken wings + juice and soy milk. About two months ago I weighed 113 maybe 115 at some point, now I'm down to 93ish. I mean, honestly...what the fuck, man? I wanna be fat.
I managed to eat those save-the-chicken wings and keep them down so I'm gonna go buy more vegan food today because its one of the few things my stomach likes.

I'm going vegan. I didn't eat anything that came from an animal except dairy products before cause I loved too many things that had moo in it, but lately I've grossed out about dairy just as much as I do any other animal product. And besides, I just don't want to contribute to the factory farming industry.

By the by, Kat is the only person who instant messages me and asks how I'm doing and I respect her for listening and talking to me about it instead of treating me like a suicide bomber. The only people that ever call me are the people I haven't seen in ages and just want marijuana even though I stopped smoking a good 7 months ago? I'm going through a lot right now both mentally and physically and it hurts to know that no one cares enough to just come hang out with me, call me, instant message me and ask me how the hell I'm doing.
I'm sure people care to a certain degree but just don't want to get involved, but it still hurts and I'm honestly not so surprised. I'm at my lowest point right now and it's a hole that's going to be hard to get out of but it would be a hell of a lot easier if I had some people around, some people whos lives don't revolve around drugs. I'm sorry but I was done with you people a long time ago and I'm not risking my health anymore.

If someone handed me a gun and told me I had to either shoot myself, or someone that I know absolutely nothing about, I wouldn't even give it a second thought. I would turn the gun on myself.

I would do anything to save anyone and I wish god would return the favor by giving me a break.
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